Into.the.dakrness.there.will.always.be.light.to.guide.us.out

Thursday, July 28, 2011

On the morning of 28/7/11, i had a dream of her once again. This time, i was there with her and we were talking to some people around us, funny thing was that we were standing at a place where MRT or trains was passing us by. Then as i sat down, i asked her to sit down right beside me with a smile, she then sat down and i could feel her leaning right beside me. We sat there and what i believe was the reason why we sat there was to wait for the train to pass by and get the wind.

There was a person right in front of us when the train passed by and we were kind of disappointed when we couldn't get the wind, we waited for the next one and felt the wind, we then continued with our conversation and not long later, i woke up from it.

This past week, everything has been kind of difficult for me, i still love her alot and i do want to spend the rest of my life loving her. Whatever is going on now, i hope you, God, give me a chance to love her with all of my heart and i promise to show the world how much i love her and the love you gave me, God. I will love her all the way till the very end of time. Show me what i have to do for her, God. She really means alot to me.

Ah_KInG saw in the darkness 11:46 PM

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Friday, July 08, 2011

This time, i woke up with another dream. I don't really remember the full details of all of it but more or less, i know the important parts. It kind of started out with me and her and some couple of classmates leaving this place, then suddenly, we were picking up our assignment. Was talking to her while she went through the assignment, trying to pick out each person's work. Next thing i knew, we were done with the collection and we left.

What comes next was very surprising, as i was walking by myself, i received a text msg from her, asking me to choose a day to go out and have fun with her. Pick 1 out of the 3 days she had set aside for me. In that msg, she told me that she will tell me more stuff about herself and that she said welcome to the a 6 digit group. the 6 digit, each pair were to represent something significant that has to do with a year.

8/7 - 9/7

This time round, the dream was not so clear like most of the previous dreams i have, but it goes something like this. I was lying down on top of a bed, and was wondering quite a few stuff to myself, then she came by and lay down right beside me. We began to start talking about a few stuff and i saw her smile. I think we may have kissed but then again i was not so sure. we lay there, talking about quite alot of stuff but as usual, i can't remember all of the details that we had talked on. However, after awhile, what i remember was that she changed side of the bed to the other side and i think i was the one who agreed to changing side with her. And then, i believe that we continue talking but i was just mesmerize but the way she look while we talk, she was just so beautiful. God, i really love her alot.

What i hope is that from this dream, i could be able to date her like this dream show me, it would have been nice if she ask me which day i am free so that i could go out and have some fun with her and get to know her even better. As for the second dream, we don't have to be on a bed to be that intimate, but normally, i can be like that to her and talk to her to see how her day was or get to know how she is. I really hope that you can do this for me, God. I really love her, God... with all of my heart.

Ah_KInG saw in the darkness 6:12 AM

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Sunday, June 12, 2011

This past 2 nights have been really good and trying to recall all those dreams was something that i always try my best to remember. Thank you, God, at times like this, you give me dreams that all me to think back of the things that i have done for her. Honestly, when i asked you that night of what your plan was for me, i somehow never really expected a dream about her. Though i did asked for it, i never knew that you would have given it to me. Memories and dreams are what i have of her, 2 dreams of her in a row has been really a blessing for me, God. I know that sometimes i forget the things i promise you, but i would like you to know that its good to remind me from time to time of those promise i made to you.

For her, like i told you, if your plan for me is to be by her side, i will be there for her, caring for her. I promise that i will love her with all of my heart and make her the happiest woman in the world. And honestly, i will trade anything that i have to ensure that she is safe and that i can be there for her. Today, i have many memories of her that went through my mind, and that feeling of loving her so much is back once again. I may not know what the future may hold for me, about this girl that i love so much, but what i do know now is that i love her with all of my heart. I am that kind of person who gives his whole heart to love a girl, i would never want to short change her of the amount of love that i have for her. So God, i ask sincerely, that if there could be a way or chance, i pray that you allow me to spend the rest of my life, loving her and showing her who you are. Though i may not be the best chrisitan to show her who you are, i am sure that with her i can tell her and show her who you are and the things you have done.

The dreams that you gave me on the night i asked that you showed me what are your plans for me and as well as a dream of her. I dream that both of us were talking about something in front of a magazine stand, i could not remember what it was that we were talking about, then when asked about something, all i could remember was she saying something about a artist signature and cannot afford it, then she laugh. i look at her and laugh along with her, paying really close attention to her laughter and that smile on her face. And that pretty much it. I always remember when i sit beside her in class or when i walk up with her to class on wednesday, that look on her face when we talked as we walked up and down for class. i still remember that day when it was raining and as we both walk down from class while she was carrying an umbrella and telling me how cold it was and that steam was coming out when we were talking, i somehow felt that the reason that i love her was that she was so beautiful to me. With the umbrella and that look and smile on her face, i felt so deep in love with her at that point of time.

The second dream on the following night started or what i could remember was this, i was walking beside her up to somewhere, she told me that she was meeting a friend somewhere on the top and that the friend was coming by a cab. As we both were finding the place and wanting to reach there fast, we were kind of brisk walking or jogging up the slope. I could not remember why we got on the bus but what i tried to remember was that the bus was meant to take us somewhere and the bus driver was telling us that it was going to a place just opposite the destination and i felt that it was the wrong place we were going. After that, the fire alarm rang off at my hostel and i woke up. I somehow faintly remember me walking beside her, talking and joking with her as we were looking for that place she was meant to meet her friend.

Third dream (14/6/11) - I don't have much idea what the whole thing was about, but what i could remember was this, i was sitting down talking to her and another girl and when ask where i stayed, i think i gave back a very funny answer. She kind of gave me the "huh?" look and i smiled saying back in chinese the place i stayed in singapore, "Shi long kang hua yuan". Then pretty much we continue talking and i saw her laugh and smile through out the conversation we had. Finally, what i could remember was when i asked her a question, she kept quiet but was smiling abit. Thats all i remembered.

All these dreams reminded me of the things that i loved about her and how much i wanted to love her. As i have mentioned before, God, i don't have much dreams and when i do have this few dreams, i find them very valuable and precious. Thank you for these dreams that you have given me. I hope that you will show me what are your plans for me, my soul will always be yours, God. No matter how much sin i may have done against you, i hope you forgive me. No matter how much i may despair and blame you for it, i hope you know that in the end, i will go back to you. Whatever your plans are, i hope you show me. And as always, there is something that i ask sincerely from you, God. Take good care of her and bless her. I will always love her no matter what and will be there for her. I pray that you give me a chance to love her for the rest of my life, God.

I Love You, Jolyn.

Ah_KInG saw in the darkness 6:18 PM

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Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Ever moment, i lay in bed or when i am alone by myself, i think to myself, if the things i do so far, have made an bad impact on her. For that 1 week of my life, doing so much just to talk to her and to see her, to have to force an answer out of her even when i know things were still going alright. I am so sorry that i have done all this you, my love, i was so foolish trying to get an answer out of you when everything was still fine.

Eugene told me that i should keep my options open, but i am afraid to know another person and at the same time, afraid to lose this current one. I told myself, that if another guy comes around for her, i hope that he will be there for her no matter what, but the fact still remains that i think about her all the time and that i could never give her up to another person. Thats why i will always be afraid of everything, there is no courage for me in love, i am always wondering if she is alright, hows her study, hows this and hows that. all this are just my way of caring for her and yes, this all can be suffocating at times for a person. But its all i know for caring for the person i love.

The thing i am grateful for now, is that she stills talk to me all the time, we still go for class together and when i see her eat or look at her stuff, i cant help be feel happy that i am with her. Simple things like this makes me happy, and at the same time, things like she going out with others or just making comments make me afraid and think too much. I know somehow that i am trying so hard just to come up with ways to impress her and make her happy. And when the day comes that i longer can be with her, my heart will break and i dont know how long more before i can recover from one. As i said before in this blog, i never fully recovered from the one in poly, it left a huge scar in my heart and thats why i was still afraid, i told myself that i would not go into another relationship, but seeing her here in Sydney, change my mind immediately.

She gave me another chance at love. I decided to pick up love once again, knowing that it will be love that will hurt me once more, knowing all the other people who would come to me and tell me about their feelings for her, i kept quiet and just waited, doing all that i could to ensure that you will be alright. I hated the fact that other guys could have easily be so close to you, yet for me, i was always at a distance, i tried coming close, but it never seems to be that close. Perhaps i have been that close to you, its just that i feel i want to be more closer.

God, you have done so much for me, to allow me to be there for her, to remind her of all the stuff, but i feel that i want to do more and that i hope she knows that i am trying so hard to show her that i love her. Now she know that i have feelings for her, i hope as always that i know how to progress from here on. And yes, she hopes that we remain as friends that she does not want to progress anything more than that. She does not want it to be awkward. I love her so much that i will try my best to fulfill this request of hers, but its not going to be possible as i still will try to love her. Will you, God, knowing that i love this girl so much and being afraid of all things, calm me down, give me the courage i need, to show her that i love her so much and that i so desire to be with her, give me that chance to impress her and make her change her mindset about me and allow me to love her. A dream, and end goal, is to love that person i love so much and be with her.

I found out that a human, my deepest desire, is not to earn so much money, is not to own the most item. is not to be the most famous person on earth, is to love and be with the person i love the most. That is and always be the deepest desire i have in life. Every time i love, i hope that i will be with that person, so, will you allow me to be with the one i love now, dear God? I think i will never stop praying for her, i will never stop caring for her and my heart will never stop aching for her so long as i love her. At the end, when things all don't work out, i am sure that i will ask her out for the very last time, buy her a nice dinner, go with her for a walk, give her flowers and tell her everything about my feelings for her. It will be the last time i see her and will be the end of everything, i don't want that to happen and so desperately hope that i can be with her. So, God, tell me how long more before the heart dies of pain and depression, how much can i take it? I love her so much, so please, no matter what, take good care of her and bless her with good health and bless her in all things she do.

Thats the least i ask of you, God. The rest, i hope you can help me as much as you can. Give me courage and a sense of love to what i can do for her. I love you, dear God. I love her as well, God. For the both of you, i hope i know how to be a better person.

Ah_KInG saw in the darkness 4:57 PM

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Thursday, March 10, 2011

As i look at her, i see that at time she is bored just listening to lectures, she gives a frown and stares right in front. When i asked her abt it the previous semester, she always give me the answer that its her default look, can't be changed. And each time i look at her, i can't help but smile to myself, urging myself to tell her not to frown so much.

God, i previous time i told you how much i love her, how much i want to be with her. And trust me that the feeling is still around and going strong. Every night, i hope that you could take good care of her, keep her healthy, make sure that she has sufficient rest, understand all the lesson taught in class, be disciplined in her studies and at the same time do well for her studies.

Funny thing, each time i watch a romance movie, i can't help but wonder why can't i have this kind of relationship with the person i love. And at times, i blame you, God, for all of it. I know its kind of wrongful to blame you when things don't work out the way i hoped for, and for that, i am sorry, God. But i do have one request. God, is that you don't give up on me trying to fall in love with the person i care the most. Help me alongside, give me a push when you think that i shld go abit more further in pursuing the person i love, this time don't let me do nothing and hope for the best, guide me along as i am new in falling in love, God. As for the rest, i leave it up to you, God, trusting you in all things you do.

I found out that she hardly smiles at me when we talk, and sometimes, listening to her talk and even talking to her makes me feel happy inside. Her attitude towards may have changed slightly abit and i really hope to know why. But as i always believe, i love her and will always be by her side, i will still be that guy that tells her to smile and ask her how she is. It may be painful, and i am sure you know it, God, but somehow now i understand it is the choice i have chosen and will have to live with it. Thats why i hope you will be there beside me, guiding me as i love this girl.

No matter what, bless that girl i love, God. Don't give up on me as i try my best to chase after her and make her fall in love with me, and allow me to have more faith in you, God. And hopefully, i may have the chance to be that special guy for her, loving her all my life.

Remember, don't give up on me, God, help me to win this girl heart, because i really love Jolyn alot and hope to make her happy all my life.

Ah_KInG saw in the darkness 7:25 PM

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Sunday, March 06, 2011

God,

I dont know what way is the best to speak to someone like you, i tried praying and asking you to speak to me, i tried listening, but i dont think i was listening hard enough to hear you. I am, after all in a state of dilemma now. Currently my old poly classmate is very close to her... sometimes i wonder if she ever knows that i was always by her side trying to make her smile and care for her... i ever wonder what it was like to know how she feels or know what she wants and try loving her... its always difficult for me just to know what she wants... i dont mind going the distance just to know that she is alright and that she is always happy.

I have been talking to others about the problem i face... how difficult i find talking to her. How much i just feel deeply jealous and sad seeing her and my poly classmate being close to one another... They all tell me not to think too much and ask me to let nature run its course... God, i have been trying really hard to re connect with her since coming back to Sydney but always seem there is a problem talking to her... our conversation seem to have gotten alot lesser, perhaps i am trying too hard and perhaps what i expected it to be like, that standard was set too high. I miss her alot, God. And i am sure that you are well aware of this fact that has been on my mind since the day i left Sydney.

Whatever the future holds for me now, God, you are the one that creates it and know it, but i would like to ask you that you allow me to give it a chance with Jolyn. Like i told Minqhee abt it, all i have are the memories of having good conversation with her, the smile she had and the laughter... all this, God, are what i have of all, Minqhee told me not to let them be memories and let them be reality instead... My brother has told me that whatever i do, he will always be there to support me. Richard and Ben have been really nice people telling me things that i needed to know on how to love her and i appreciate them alot because they are the closest friends i have here in Sydney. And Gary, who knew me since poly told me its best to let nature run its course... however, wishes me all the best in the things i do for her and hopes that i succeed. Thank you for all these people and their conversation with me. Not forgetting Sebastian and Kraven of which i also thank them for making me feel that i am a better person than compared to my poly classmate for her...

I don't want to lose her, God. This girl is the one girl that makes me feel that i cannot lose her... i don't want to lose her to my poly classmate and neither do i want to lose her as a friends... they all say the same thing, God, to ask me to make a move or doing something for her... not too aggressive yet something that will make her smile and feel good abt it... God, i will always love her... And i will always be that guy that is by the side waiting for her and being there for her... And what i hope from you, i know that i always ask things from you and never do anything back for you, but please, dear God, as much as i ask of you to take good care of her and bless her... i too ask of you that you tell me what you want me to do... Let me know what is it that you want me to do and i will do it to the best of my ability.

God, i ask that you take really good care of her and bless her and her family, allow me to be there by her side... Let me be the ideal guy for her that will love her and give her a happy life. If there is any opportunity that i shld seize just to show her how much i like her, please push me to do it, show me how to do it and not make it akward... Whatever you plan for me, i know it will be for the best, but i would like to give it a try to love this girl, afterall, i am so down to earth, i want another person with a personality different from mine to show me how to enjoy life... i really hope that i can show her you, God. its not an excuse but love that i hope to save her and bring her into the kingdom of heaven.

I trust you, God. But please, don't let me lose her because i love her so much that i wish that i can be with her... all this emotions, this feeling in my heart, see them and you will know how much i love her, God. One more thing to add, please guide me now and show me the way you have plan out for me, of course with her in this plan as well. I promise that i will be always loving towards her no matter what happens if you bring us two together. I love you, God. And i love her too. But please, talk to me. Don't leave me here without any word from you... cause you both, really make me feel abit lonely at times, please, just talk to me, it would be nice if you talk to me once in awhile, would you also tell her to talk to me once in awhile... be it sms or msn, i don't mind, i just like talking to her and i miss all those conversation we used to have...

So, I trust you, almighty father, creator of heaven and earth, to guide me from here onwards, i hope that you take good care of Jolyn and i hope that you allow me to love her with all of my heart and be there for her no matter what... And allow my mind not to wonder anymore, allow me to be patient in waiting for her and at the same time be brave, confident and be myself in front of her... Please push me to go to her and do things that will not only surprise her but make her feel good abt it and not wait there and do nothing about it. I love her and will always be there for her, God.

So please, don't let all those memories that i have to continue to stay as memories, instead help me turn them into reality and i promise you that i will always be loving towards her.

Ah_KInG saw in the darkness 7:58 AM

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Thursday, August 05, 2010

- The Dream -

Last night i had another dream of her again. Both of us were in a ice cream shop, we were looking at different flavors of ice cream and were deciding what to eat. i didnt think for long and when she ask me what i wanted, i said, "the same as you." She then laugh at me and next thing i know,

the ice cream guy was already scooping the ice cream of a very uniq

ue flavour, she asked me if its ok to eat this flavor. I look at her and said it was alright.

Then suddenly, she hug my left arm, it felt really good, and the slowly, her arm was around my left arm like how couples do.

i felt happy for a short moment. Then i immediately took my hand, and let my fingers interlock with hers, i then took the hand up and gave a kiss of her back hand before putting it down, continue to hold onto her hand as we waited for our ice cream. After awhile, she let go of my hand as both of us reach out to take our ice cream.

Its has been really a long while since i had a another nice dream of her again and God does work in mysterious way. Whatever it may be, i hope this dream do come true for me in this life and i would like to hold her hand for as long as i can. To be there for her. I do hope that i can win her heart and be the man of her dreams... Thank you God for this dream, it has really made me happy this morning.

Ah_KInG saw in the darkness 7:53 AM

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