Ever moment, i lay in bed or when i am alone by myself, i think to myself, if the things i do so far, have made an bad impact on her. For that 1 week of my life, doing so much just to talk to her and to see her, to have to force an answer out of her even when i know things were still going alright. I am so sorry that i have done all this you, my love, i was so foolish trying to get an answer out of you when everything was still fine.
Eugene told me that i should keep my options open, but i am afraid to know another person and at the same time, afraid to lose this current one. I told myself, that if another guy comes around for her, i hope that he will be there for her no matter what, but the fact still remains that i think about her all the time and that i could never give her up to another person. Thats why i will always be afraid of everything, there is no courage for me in love, i am always wondering if she is alright, hows her study, hows this and hows that. all this are just my way of caring for her and yes, this all can be suffocating at times for a person. But its all i know for caring for the person i love.
The thing i am grateful for now, is that she stills talk to me all the time, we still go for class together and when i see her eat or look at her stuff, i cant help be feel happy that i am with her. Simple things like this makes me happy, and at the same time, things like she going out with others or just making comments make me afraid and think too much. I know somehow that i am trying so hard just to come up with ways to impress her and make her happy. And when the day comes that i longer can be with her, my heart will break and i dont know how long more before i can recover from one. As i said before in this blog, i never fully recovered from the one in poly, it left a huge scar in my heart and thats why i was still afraid, i told myself that i would not go into another relationship, but seeing her here in Sydney, change my mind immediately.
She gave me another chance at love. I decided to pick up love once again, knowing that it will be love that will hurt me once more, knowing all the other people who would come to me and tell me about their feelings for her, i kept quiet and just waited, doing all that i could to ensure that you will be alright. I hated the fact that other guys could have easily be so close to you, yet for me, i was always at a distance, i tried coming close, but it never seems to be that close. Perhaps i have been that close to you, its just that i feel i want to be more closer.
God, you have done so much for me, to allow me to be there for her, to remind her of all the stuff, but i feel that i want to do more and that i hope she knows that i am trying so hard to show her that i love her. Now she know that i have feelings for her, i hope as always that i know how to progress from here on. And yes, she hopes that we remain as friends that she does not want to progress anything more than that. She does not want it to be awkward. I love her so much that i will try my best to fulfill this request of hers, but its not going to be possible as i still will try to love her. Will you, God, knowing that i love this girl so much and being afraid of all things, calm me down, give me the courage i need, to show her that i love her so much and that i so desire to be with her, give me that chance to impress her and make her change her mindset about me and allow me to love her. A dream, and end goal, is to love that person i love so much and be with her.
I found out that a human, my deepest desire, is not to earn so much money, is not to own the most item. is not to be the most famous person on earth, is to love and be with the person i love the most. That is and always be the deepest desire i have in life. Every time i love, i hope that i will be with that person, so, will you allow me to be with the one i love now, dear God? I think i will never stop praying for her, i will never stop caring for her and my heart will never stop aching for her so long as i love her. At the end, when things all don't work out, i am sure that i will ask her out for the very last time, buy her a nice dinner, go with her for a walk, give her flowers and tell her everything about my feelings for her. It will be the last time i see her and will be the end of everything, i don't want that to happen and so desperately hope that i can be with her. So, God, tell me how long more before the heart dies of pain and depression, how much can i take it? I love her so much, so please, no matter what, take good care of her and bless her with good health and bless her in all things she do.
Thats the least i ask of you, God. The rest, i hope you can help me as much as you can. Give me courage and a sense of love to what i can do for her. I love you, dear God. I love her as well, God. For the both of you, i hope i know how to be a better person.
